Nancy Silverton Will Attempt To Dine At The "Three O's" On Connsecutive Days; Dario, Massimo, Franco

In the world of literature, it is “The Three Musketeers”: Aramis, Porthos and Athos. In the world of opera, it is “The Three Tenors” : Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras. In the world of Italian dining there are “The Three O’s”; DariO Cecchini, MassimO Bottura and FrancO Pepe

Starting Friday, revered American chef Nancy Silverton will attempt to become the first human - man or woman - in recorded history to dine at the establishments of the Three O’s in three consecutive days. The attempt is considered to be the Italiian dining equivilant of “Free Solo” the true story of Alex Hannold’s successful attempt to be the frist known human to climb El Capitan without ropes.

Should she accomplish the once thought impossbile feat, Silverton will earn the title of “Triple OG Diner” from the Italian government. (For the record, many already consider her that.)

Here’s the starting line up

Frdiay - Lunch at Dario Cecchini’s Antica Macelleria Cecchini,, arguably the world’s most famous butcher shop located in Panzano in Chianti.

Saturday Lunch at Massimo Bottura’s Osteria Francescana.

Sunday - Dinner. at Franco Pepe’s pizzeria Pepe in Grani, 575 kiolometers southeast of Bottura’s restaurant.

Stay tuned for updates.

Tuscany On High Alert As "Laughing Lesbians", Banned From Umbria, Arrive In Florence

The good news is they are not The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In fact, they might just be the exact opposite.

Dubbed Saturday in the Italian media as the “Four Lesbians of the Laughter”, a quartet of San Francisco Bay Area women - who had been in Umbria for the past week - arrived today in Florence and the city was prepared. They were prepared, not for destruction wrought by the Horsemen, but for a level of laughter perhaps not heard here since Bruneschelli slide off his Duomo and attempted - with disastrous results - to land on the adjacent Bell Tower of Giotto..

Authorities and citizens of Florence alike had been anxiously awaiting the arrival after learning the four had shattered the Umbrian laugher record while spending a week in the quiant town of Panciale. Darla K Anderson, Kori Rae, Bret Parker and Petey Wacc set a record of 2,101 group ‘jumbo laughs’ - over 110 decibels. - in the days they were in town. The four, in Panicale for Parker’s upcoming 40th birthday and to have a dinner prepared by Nancy Silverton at her home, average over 18.5 jumbo laughs per hour, ( allowing for eight hours to either sleep, pass out, our both.)

Scores of residents of Panicale have already filed formal complaints with the United States Embassy in Rome claiming sleep deprivation and the resulting crankiness.

It wasn’t that there wasn’t a giant warning signs the Laughing Lesbians could be problematic. The four made an ominous entrance into Panicale. They crashed a 4th of July party hosted by Nancy Silverton at her home. Let me repeat that. They crashed a 4th of July party hosted by Nancy Silverton..

Silverton herself saw them and turned to Michael Krikorian and said “Did you invite those lesbians?”

The word quickly spread to Florence. aka Firenze, that they were heading that way after it was confirmed by police that Darla K, the ringleader, had made a hotel reservation at an undisclosed site near the Arno.

“Look, of course I want to make tourists feel comfortable, and have a wonderful time, but my main concern is the citizens of Firenze,” said the city’s mayor Fabiano Ferrari. “My biggest concern? Of the four Ls? It would have to be that McGoo one. What’s her name? Bret? She’s liable to walk smack dab into the real David and knock my boy down. Or even the fake David out in the piazza. Hell, Mcgoo might walk into Giotto’s Bell Tower and crumble that old motherfucker. She’s a problem.”

Authorities also expressed concern for Petey Wacc, who is a dean of a K-8 school in Bernal Heights, a neighborhood of San Francisco not on any tourist’s “must see” list.

“Wacc is known for stealing sandwiches of poor students at her own school,” said Lorenzo Lamborghini, Florence’s chief of police. “Repeat. That’s students at her own school. For a baloney sandwich! It’s frightening to think what she would do to a student she didn’t even know for a proscuitto de Parma panini.

As for Kori Rae, police chief Lamborghini was skeptical. ”Look, here’s a woman who right before she leaves town, gives Nancy Silverton three bottles of wine and three large hunk of percorino de Pienze. That seems very strange to us. It makes no goddamn sense. She will be closely monitored.”

But, it was ringleader Darla K Anderson who has brought the most worries to Italian authorities.

“This is a woman who lives to break rules,” said chief Lamborghini. “Someone tells her "‘don’t do something’, Guess what? She does it.“

Still, both Chief Lamborghini and Mayor Ferrari said their main concern about the ringleader was simply her name

“No one even knows what the “K” stands for,” said Lamborghini. “That’s a very dangerous letter.”

Michael Cimarusti's James Beard Award Under Review After Presenter Elizabeth Falkner Accused Of Collusion

Three days after the sports world was stunned when Kentucky Derby winner Maximum Security was disqualified for interference, the restaurant world was shocked to learn their most revered awards show was rife with intimidation, judge tampering and even collusion with presenters.

The news broke in Chicago early Tuesday morning, less than 12 hours after the end of James Beard Awards, the so-called “Culinary Academy Awards”,. when a shaken chef Elizabeth Falkner, who presented the award for “Best Chef in the West”, was accused of collusion and placed in protective custody by the FBI immediately after giving a tearful news conference where she broke her silence on what law enforcement is calling the “underporkbelly” of the restaurant world.

Falkner said she feared for her life and that’s why she blurted out “Michael Cimarusti“ as the winner of the award for best chef in the west. There was jubilation in the crowd for Cimarusti, the chef and co-owner of the revered Los Angeles seafood restaurant Providence, who had finally won an award that had eluded him for nine years.

Or had he?

Falkner, literally shaking, refused to name names, but she said her life was threatened by a business associate of Cimarusti’s. When a reporter pressed her to give up a name, Falkner went ballistic. “What the fuck? Do you think I want to be sleeping with the striped bass? I’d be floating in the Chicago River in an hour if I give you the name. Fuck you and your newspaper.”

Almost immediately the announcement, another Los Angeles chef, Jessica Koslow of Sqirl who finished second in the voting. said Cimarusti should not be disqualified. “I love Michael and last night was a long time coming. He is a great chef, but his boss has no business in the restaurant world.”

Koslow was referring to reputed mob boss Donato Poto, Cimarusti’s business partner who calls himself “a humble front of the house guy” at Providence. An FBI agent,, speaking on the condition of anonymity, scoffed at that notion. “Don Poto calling himself a front of the house guy” is like Don Corleone calling himself an olive oil salesman,” he said.

It is universally believed that the genuinely nice Cimarusti had absolutely nothing to do with any alleged crimes. However, sources admitted they were focusing their investigation Poto.

In the jam-packed after parties of the James Beard Awards, Don Poto smiled at this reporter when asked about the incident and possible collusion, and intimidation. When he finally spoke, it was chilling.

“Write what you have to write. Just be careful. Everyone knows you’re not hard to find. You’re at the Mozza Corner every night, right? I would hate for something unfortunate to happen to you. You have a lot to live for.. All I’m saying is be careful. Enjoy your time in Chicago.”

Terrified Elizabeth Falkner Accepts A “Handshake” From Donato “Don” Poto.

Nancy Silverton Sets New Course Record For Dodger Stadium To Chasen's Race

Overshadowing the summary of Mueller report today, Nancy Silverton set a course record on the first ever Dodger Stadium to Chasen’s Rally, (DSCR) covering the undulating 16 mile trek in just over four hours and inspiring people around the world who don’t train seriously.

Silverton, 64, began the DSCR, a highly exclusive subset of the Los Angeles Marathon, with famed pastry chef Dahlia Narvaez, who kept on trucking after 16 miles on her way to god knows where. The two started off at the very mound where Sandy Koufax pitched, headed to Chinatown - where I was born - for dim sum, past the old L.A. Times building, over to Grand Central Market for coffee at G & B and up toward HomeState where owner Briana “Breezy” Valdez awaited with outstanding beef brisket tacos.

Then it was through the heart of Hollywood Boulevard, the Sunset Strip and down the homestretch to Chasen’s.

For you youngsters, Chasens was a iconic L.A. restaurant at 9039 Beverly Blvd. - near Doheny - that opened in 1936 and closed in 1995 and was famous as a celebrity hangout far more than any current restaurant in America. It’s most renowned dish, Dave’s Hobo Chili, named after the owner Dave Chasen, was famously flown to Rome by Elizabeth Taylor during the filming of a movie.

Back home, Silverton did that most refreshing of things; took off her running/walking shoes, laid out by her pool and ask for red grape juice that had been slightly fermented.

Pizzeria GM Alan Birnbaum and Mozza pastry sous Marisa Takenaka ran something like 26 or 27 miles to finish the L. A Marathon before attempting to set a record for beer consumption.

"Baby You Got It", Dinner At Lyle's In Shoreditch, London Ranks Among Most Pleasurable Of All Time

Halfway into the fish dish of a five-course dinner last Friday night at Lyle’s restaurant in London, soul singer Brenton Wood unexpectedly came on the sound system cooing one of my all-time favorite songs, “Baby You Got it”. It was a stunning moment of sheer bliss. The song, the comfortable setting, the charming service , the bread and the butter, the brill fish on the bone and - most of all - the woman seated across from me brought a feeling of such contentment, such pleasure that it was immediately placed on the list of the prized moments of my life.

We had a lunch at Lyle’s on a Wednesday and in very unusual fashion returned two days later for dinner to this “casual fine” Shoreditch restaurant. As we nestled in, the staff charmed. They weren’t over the top effusive, nor superlative-heavy in speech, but rather they were all people we enjoyed chatting with. There was Francesca, and Sally and Emma ( who looked like that actress Emma Stone) and they talked when it was right and left when it was right.

The first lunch from chef James Lowe was a hanger steak and a monkfish tail on cartilage that had Nancy going on and on. Familiar with monkfish, but not on the cartilage. this dish had her mesmerized. There were a few superlatives she didn’t use - she knows better to say ‘amazing’ around me - but very few. The beef was delicious, too,

The dinner, our last in London, began the same as lunch; with a loaf of house-made bread and - even better - a slab of house-made butter that had me fooled it was from Normandy. This butter was the closest thing to Rudy ( Rodolphe La Meunier’s buerre de baratte) I have had in recent memory.. It was so good that Nancy asked me to get the recipe - which chef John told us at the table - for the upcoming “The Barrish” restaurant at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. For the record I told her I’m not gonna write him a email asking for the butter recipe. First. let me tell on Krikorian Writes how divine the the meal was. then I’ll ask.

The main course was a guinea hen, a breast and thigh. Was superb.

Then the kicker, the co-owner/GM John Oiger, came to the table and - speaking with charm and a slight bit of even more charming awkwardness - told us that “The folks on table 31 would like to buy your dinner.” How do you refuse that?

Turns out it was some chefs from New Orleans who had been to the same Miami Beach food festival recently that Nancy was at, but hadn’t met her. They wanted to show their appreciation of Nancy buy buying us dinner. (Nancy calls this my “fringe benefits.”)

Anyway it was a lovely end to a extraordinary dinner. Later we learned the place not only has a Michelin star, but was ranked 38th on that World’s 50 Best list. a list that with the inclusion of Lyles, I now have a little more respect for.

Here’s to fringe benefits and here’s to Lyles. Their website… https://www.lyleslondon.com/

And here’s to Brenton Wood, and the writers of “Baby You Got it , Alfred Smith, Joseph Hooven and Jerry Winn.

Listen here and hear https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDTFxK-ssnk

I run after you 
Like a fool would do
But mama didn't raise no fool
And I should know
That baby you got it 
That's all I can say to you

You got soul, too much soul
Foxy clothes, the cutest nose
The greatest shape
There's nothing fake about you 
Baby you got it

People can be cruel
They say I lost my cool
But it's very hard to keep my cool
When I'm around you 
'Cause baby you got it
That's all I can say to you

You got soul, too much soul
Foxy clothes, the cutest nose
The greatest shape
There's nothing fake about you 
Baby you got it

Now that I found you 
Gonna cling to you 
I'll give you lovin', money
Everything to you 
No matter what they say 
Doesn't matter what I do 
I'm never gonna love another girl but you 
'Cause baby you got it 
That's all I can say to you

You got it….

Nancy Silverton's Five Most Memorable Meals

A memorable meal doesn’t have to be extravagant. It might be a cheeseburger at dive bar that hits the right spots or even a bag of Fritos on a road trip. That said, the most memorable meals I’ve had in my life have been on the extravagant side.

The first was when I was 11; my dad told my sister and I that we were going out for our mom’s birthday. “We’re going to celebrate at some place prestigious,” he said. My sister and I looked at each other and mouthed that word – “prestigious” – in anticipation.

That place was La Serre, then the fanciest restaurant in the San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles, where we lived. I don’t remember what we ate – it was 53 years ago! – but it was a turning point in my dining life. Knowing the impression La Serre left on me, my parents later bought me a set of its serving plates. I still have them.

**

In 1978, after training at Le Cordon Bleu in London, I was working at 464 Magnolia in Larkspur, California, and kept hearing about a restaurant in Berkeley called Chez Panisse. So I went. As clichéd as it sounds, Alice Waters’ food that night changed my life. I can vividly remember the quality of the ingredients: be it a snap pea or raspberry, it was clear they’d been selected with the utmost care. I prefer food where ingredients are the star, not the chef. Chez Panisse (chez panisse.com) continues to shine at that.

When a kitchen is involved in what I call “Manipulative cuisine”, the ingredients do not matter as much as the technique. I’m not a technician. I prefer the food to be the star, not the chef. At Chez Panisse, which came along well before manipulative cuisines, Alice has thankfully stayed true to its original path.

**.

Since 2013, during my summer vacation in Italy, I have been having a lunch – planned months in advance – at Massimo Bottura’s Osteria Francescana in Modena. Massimo takes traditional Italian dishes and refines them, increasing their intensity without losing the rustic roots. My favourite memory of “OF” was ordering the first time. We were a group of six and spent 30 minutes carefully selecting from the menu. Five minutes later, Massimo appeared. He looked at our order, shook his head and said, “Let me order for you.” We did. It was a wise decision.

At another lunch at OF, I kept saying to my dining companions, “Who the hell does Massimo think he is? He’s making the rest of us chefs look like slackers.”  I was having fun, but I wasn’t 100% joking. Check that story out here on Krikorian Writes http://www.krikorianwrites.com/blog/2015/7/23/nancy-silverton-to-massimo-bottura-who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are

**

About two hours south of Massimo, nestled amidst the postcard hills of Chianti vineyards, is the realm of the world’s most famous butcher, Dario Cecchini of Antica Macelleria Cecchini, who, by the way, calls me his sister. He does not call the rooms where one eats a “restaurant”, but rather “the home of a butcher.” If you go, make sure Dario is there. He is part of the experience and expect him to hold up two gigantic bisect Fiorentina and, in a booming voice, say “To beef or not to beef!”

If you are fortunate, Dario will tell a touching story about the first time he ever had a bisect Fiorentina.   His family was poor, and they taught him the value of every part of the cow, and how the tendons were as good as the loin. I can’t duplicate the story, can’t do the story justice, just go to the butcher shop in Panzano en Chianti and eat his story.

**

Still, if I had to name a single most memorable meal I ever had in my life it would have to be at the Hotel de Ville, in Crissier, Switzerland, a small town outside of Lausanne. The chef and owner was someone I bet most young cooks and chefs around the world today don’t even know of. Yet, by any measure, in the 1980s and 1990s, he was the greatest chef in the world, a title even Joel Robuchon bestowed on Fred;y Girardet.

Flawless. That’s what the meal was. I’ve had versions of the dishes at other restaurants - seared goose foie gras, lamb loin, pasta with morels and truffles, and so on – but, everything Fredy sent out was the best version I have ever had. The precise Swiss technique combine with a Coltrane creativity, and the almost maniacal search for the best ingredients combined to make Fredy Girardet meal the best dining experience I have ever had.

One quick story form Girardet alumni Daniel Humm who runs Eleven Madison Park in New York City. “We would find these tomatoes, that were magnificent,” Daniel told me several years ago. “And then Fredy would look at them, sniff and say ‘Good tomatoes, but not good enough.”

One more thing at Fredy’s and I’ll finish. The eclairs. You may have seen eclairs with their fillings as bright as crayons. At Fredy’s they brought out these eclairs that had just a hint of hue, just enough tint that you had a inkling of what they were. It might seem curious to end a segment on the greatest restaurant talking about eclairs, but that was part of the thrill of this meal at Fredy Girardet.

Redemption For A One-Time Fugitive, Dominique Crenn Becomes The First Female Chef In America To Win Three Michelin Stars

She was once wanted by the law, but last night, in her adopted home of San Francisco Dominique Crenn had the last laugh as she became the first woman chef in the United States ever to be honored with the holy grail of gastronomy; three Michelin stars.

It was only four years ago that Crenn fled the United States with several law enforcement agencies hot on her French heels after the controversial chef assaulted and basically ruined an extremely rare and wild Japanese sea bass during a cooking exhibition in Los Angeles. Japanese government officials demanded their American counterparts make Crenn pay for her crimes and warrants were issued for her arrest. The hastily formed Dominique Crenn Fugitive Task Force - FBI, DEA, Homeland Security, Paris PD - gave chase from Melrose Avenue to Marseilles to Marrakesh. Wanted posters were printed in at least 12 languages.

But, as the investigation dragged and other issued came to the front burner - the destruction of Aleppo, ISIS, the American presidential election, global warming - news of the fugitive chef’s whereabouts was related to back pages. And, with so many truly pressing issues on the forefront, the sentiment grew that Crenn’s crimes - which included the theft of chef Michelle Francis’ sunglasses - were relatively minor.

Meanwhile. Crenn was hiding in plain sight, globe trotting and lending her celebrity “bad girl” name to an array of admirable causes such as world hunger, women’s rights and disaster relief. Soon, with the world in turmoil, the masses marched to her side,

Her restaurant Atelier Crenn had been awarded two Michelin stars in 2011, but the top prize eluded her. Many observers thought perhaps her rebel outlaw past was the reason for withholding the crowning glory. Every year she would wait for the news of triumph. It did not come. She would have to wait ‘til next year.

But, last night, Dominique Crenn’s wait came to an end.

Her fellows chefs, many of whom never abandoned Dominique in hard times- were thrilled to her she had been honored with the ultimate accolade.

“Everybody knows Dominique Crenn is a nut case, but the girl can sure the fuck cook,” said chef Elizabeth Falkner, who had once faced charges of harboring a fugitive during the height of the hunt for Crenn. Charges were eventually dropped against Falkner when it was learned the notorious “crasher” had no home to harbor anyone. “I’m beyond thrilled for her.”

Nancy Silverton was happy, too. “First three star female chef in the country. That IS a big deal.”

Late last night, after the celebrations had quieted, after the last diners had departed, Dominique Crenn sat alone on a cushy chair in Bar Crenn, her homage to the salons of Paris, adjacent to her now three star Atelier Crenn. After speaking with her mother, Louise Marie Crenn, in the town of Quimper in Brittany, a friend poured her a glass of the mythical 1947 Chateau Cheval Blanc, the treasure the staff had been saving for this occasion.

She sipped the nectar and, in her solitude thought of her father Allain Marie Crenn. She grew heavy hearted when she thought back to the day he died and she was not at his side. But, as the ‘47 Cheval worked its wonders, she felt her father sitting right next to her, his left hand hand on hers, his right arm around her shoulders.

“I was on the other side of the world when you left us,” Dominique said, her voice cracking. “Papa, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, my sweet Dominique. I know your heart was with me. And, tonight. on this wonderful glorious night I am right here with you.”

Chief Justice John Roberts Denounces Decision To Name Lance Ohnstad As Mozza Employee Of The Month

Moments after it was announced that Lance Ohnstad, aka “The Humble Host”, had been named the newest Mozza Employee of the Month, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States issued a statement condemning the ruling.

Chief Justice John Roberts said naming Ohnstad as the 45th Mozza EOM “sent the wrong message to not only other Mozza workers, but workers across America.” He refused to elaborate, but many believe his comments were bitter residue from the feud he is embroiled in with President Don Trump who vigorously campaigned for Ohnstad.

Here’s is the original statement from Trump regarding the EOM.

FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Now that the midterms are finally over with, it’s time to move onto issues that matter most to Americans. I’m talking your border security reinforcements due to the imminent Honduran Special Forces invasion, your lower taxes for multi-billionaires and, of course, the your new Mozza Employee of the Month.

This month we have chosen an employee who is, refreshingly,  not politically correct. An employee who yells to the beat of his own drummer. Who didn’t show up for the Mozza party. An employee who has endured the worst that humanity has to offer, that, of course, being the 6-top who arrive 40 minutes later for their 8 o’clock on Saturday night and demand to be seated. That employee, the newest employee of the month is Lance Ohnstad.

After leaving the U.S. Marine Corps, Lance began his career at Pizzeria on April, 21, 2008.  During that 10 year stretch, he has encountered more assholes than a proctologist. At the Front Desk he has endured  9,547 douches, 1,012 obnoxious Armenians from Iran, Bette Milder on a bad day, Bette Milder on a good day, 4.89 billion friends of Nancy and a white guy from the Westside whose excuse for being an hour late was “Do you know there’s a fire out there?”  

So congratulations to Lance, Sincerely Don Trump.

BREAKING NEWS – As The Mozza Times went to press it was learned that Nancy Silverton had ordered a recount of the ballots for this month’s employee of the mouth. A source said Silverton was overheard saying “I can’t believe what Lance has done now. He sat an incomplete.”   If Lance is disqualified the 2nd place finisher in the balloting, Eduardo’s son Oliver, would get the award.

Apron Baroness Ellen Bennett Enters Rehab For Drinking Problem 24 Hours After Extravagant Wedding

It was a fairytale wedding. A handsome, adoring groom and a gorgeous bride in haute couture that garnered “ooh’ and “ahs” form the international guests that included chefs from a dozen Michelin-starred restaurants. A seven piece mariachi band and a five piece classical ensemble echoed off the walls of a 16th century building.

But, in real life, fairy tales don’t last forever. Less than 24 hours after Casey Whatchamacallit and Ellen Bennett tied the knot, the apron baroness was stumbling down a Mexico City sidewalk, spewing expletives, splashing her to-go margarita on unsuspecting al pastor taco vendors and pleading with her stunned husband for “just one more.”

The next morning, Bennett, whose Hedley and Bennett company is the largest gourmet apron manufacturer in the world, checked into “New Beginnings”, a celebrity rehabilitation complex in Malibu. made famous by the cable show “Californication.”

“She is not, I repeat, not an alcoholic. Ellen’s just a drunk.”, said Betty Ford, the director of several rehabs that bear her name. “Ellen should be functioning within a week or two.”

A Bennett insider, chef Jonathan Waxman, said Bennett rarely drinks and for her to go to rehab was “a bit dramatic”, but he understood the underlying reason why. “Ellen has a gigantic contractor with Saudi Arabia and those fuckin’ Saudis don’t like drunks. Or journalists. Is that redundant?”

Nancy Silverton, a Hedley and Bennett customer, said “Now that i think about it, I wonder if Hedley is a drunk, too. I’ve never ever seen her. Or him.”